Blowing a gasket
by Zabzab
Summary: I read too many bad fanfictions and I finally lost it I suppose. Read it at your own risk. If you are the author of a bad fanfiction, I meant the offense.


Hello dear reader, and welcome. You may call me Narrator for now. Why this strange name? Rest assured, my parents did not hate me or anything. No, this name represent my function. I'm here simply to tell you this story and as such, you don't really need to know much more, right?

I mean, why would you want to know about me when this story is all about the great, the awesome, the unique Naruto Uzumaki-Senju-Uchiha-Namikaze?

He has probably more surnames than that but listing them all would take too long and would bring us nowhere. Let us plunge right into his life.

Naruto USUN had an unfortunate life. He was hated by his village, as if he was the incarnation of some ancient demon. Everyday, he would be insulted, spat on, beaten by mobs of angry, faceless civilians indulging into their secret fetish of child abuse.

But it was alright for Naruto. Naruto was somehow a gift to Kami sent to earth and he understood why the civilians acted so. Despite his young age, Naruto knew full well he was a jinchuriki; the living prison of an ancient demon. To be exact, the young blond, blue-eyed boy was host to the Kyuubi, the feared Nine-Tails, who had rampaged in the middle of the village of Konohagakure twelve years ago, killing countless people. Not exactly the incarnation of a demon but close enough for villagers who could not allow themselves to move from their loss and saw the scroll for the kunai stored inside.

In their defense, disastrous communication from the PR department from the Hokage Office did not help one bit. The overall apparent laissez-faire politic from the Hokage himself, the leader of the village, a sage many called The Professor for his vast knowledge, did not either.

So Naruto was abused and had suffered so since his earliest days. How he had not turned into some retarded, hollow shell of a child was a medical mystery but you can't have your main character clinically retarded right? A little will have to do for the sake of humor and because this is originally a shonen manga. You cannot show the real consequences of long term abuse on a child. This is rated T for Pete's sake!

But we are getting off tracks.

So Naruto was abused, both mentally and physically, by the civilians and by the shinobi. Now that was interesting because while civilians were called so because of their lack of knowledge regarding ninjutsu, the shinobi were well versed into this very art; the art of using chakra to do all sorts of things.

Of course, no one stopped for a second to ask themselves if beating on the prison holding off their worst nightmare was not a risk to open said prison.

You can't expect fourth zone characters to think for themselves anyway, it's incompatible with the tro… The cli… How the story needs to go. Yes. They are absolutely not function-characters who exist only to make the main character miserable for no other reason than to give him an overly shitty and tragic backstory.

What was probably the best part was that the Hokage, who knew everything that was happening thanks to his Scrying Ball Jutsu, allowed it. Because paying for Naruto's miserable flat and offering the blond a bowl of ramen once in a while was totally sufficient. Of course, the Hokage is loved by Naruto for those little comforts.

The blond also knew that the two years he had spent living in the streets, surviving on his own between the age of five to seven, could have been avoided if the Hokage had taken thirty seconds off his schedule to check on him with his Seer Crystal. Of course, the old man was always way too busy with paperwork, the shinobi council, and the civilian council.

A kid alone in the streets should have alerted pretty much anyone with two Ryo of common sense, as orphaned children were never left to fend for themselves in Konoha -proof of that were the sheer number of orphanage and the existence of monthly stipends- but it was _that_ kid after all. No one cared about _that_ kid.

Even if that kid contained a chakra beast, could have potentially been abducted by anyone, turned into a weapon of mass destruction, and sicked on Konoha. Nah, how could it happen? This fic is rated T after all.

The elite of the village, the respected ANBUs, were evidently not available to watch over the living weapon of mass destruction. Too much mercenary business to take care of and not enough time to insure the security of both the jinchuriki and the mindless citizens. And the very few who ever watched over Naruto actually took pleasure in the blond's torture because they, too, could not tell the difference between the scroll and the kunai, despite using storage tag every day.

But all that was okay for Naruto, who definitely did not entertain the thought of razing the place to the ground. Absolutely not, not even a little. What incredible force of will this little boy had!

And Kami could Naruto have done so! He could have reduced Konoha to a fine dust, obliterated it into hydrogen, send it into oblivion. At the age of twelve, he was undoubtedly the most powerful shinobi in existence. Not in Konoha but in the world indeed, for Naruto USUN possessed the legendary Sharingan, Byakugan, the Mokuton, and of course, the thrice mythical Rinnegan. How could a human with only two eyes possess three different genetical Doujutsu? Easily enough, as Naruto had in fact a third in the middle of his forehead. Freakish and awesome, he was Naruto USUN, the boy with two thousand techniques!

Evidently, all those capacities were kept a secret by Naruto. How could a twelve years old deceive an entire village of trained spies, thieves, and assassins? He was _that_ awesome.

All those eye techniques had allowed him to meet Kurama, the noble Nine-Tails, who happened to be an enchanting fellow once one got to know him. Against his will, the giant chakra fox had been forced to attack Konoha and regretted it immensely. He had been placed under a genjutsu by an Uchiha and enslaved. How a mass of sentient, ever moving chakra could be placed under a genjutsu -an illusion that could be broken by moving one's chakra- was beyond even Kurama but it had happened. The Sharingan was a cosmic hack.

Naruto, thanks to his bright disposition, had quickly befriended Kurama, who had in turn revealed that Minato Namikaze, the fourth Hokage of Konoha lost during the Kyuubi attack, was Naruto's father.

The man was revered as a hero while his son was reviled and dragged in the mud. And multiple people, the current Hokage first in line, had allowed it to happen while hiding the truth from Naruto. They still all thought the blond did not know.

Even that did not make Naruto want to snap and at least leave the pit of inhumanity that was Konoha. What a saint, truly.

In truth, Naruto did not leave because his dream was to become Hokage. Why? At this point, reasons, but leaving would keep him from achieving that. The author knows better anyway.

And today, Naruto had taken his first big step toward the Hokage Hat. Today, the blond had become a genin. But Naruto did not do things the normal, boring way. The blond kid had one single default and it was his control over his chakra. He had so much that he could not perform one required jutsu adequately -namely, the clone jutsu- and so had failed the graduation examination for the third time in his student career.

The need to maintain his cover over his secret awesomeness had made him score below average on the written test and on the shuriken test. Why hadn't Naruto adjusted his results slightly to pass despite his inability to do the clone jutsu? Because, that's why. You should seriously stop questioning the author, he knows better, you know.

So Naruto had failed and had been of course saddened by that fact, until Mizuki, a teacher who had never once in his life helped him, offered him an alternative test to obtain the coveted graduation proof: a shiny metallic headband that made no sense whatsoever for ninjas to wear.

But I'm derailing again.

The supplementary test proposed by Mizuki was about stealing a very secure scroll, called the Forbidden Scroll, from the Hokage's office and bring it to Mizuki in a rendezvous place outside of Konoha walls.

Naruto immediately accepted of course because while he was secretly awesome, he was also selectively stupid to an incredible degree. Some readers would pretend it's only a way for the author to advance the plot and to these people, my contract, unfortunately, keeps me from supporting or denying this claim.

["to the batcave" transition jingle]

We find Naruto again, somewhere in the middle of a forest. Unfortunately dear readers, I cannot describe it to you because the author did not judge it pertinent to write anything about it. Anyway, the blond's secret awesomeness allowed him to steal the Forbidden Scroll after a very anticlimactic and barely believable brush with the Hokage himself. I refuse to narrate it here because it is frankly humor for five years old children and that'd be embarrassing. Evidently, Naruto did not stop for one second to think about the fact that stealing something called the Forbidden Scroll could be a terrible idea.

After all, if it was in plain view in the Hokage office, then it could not be that valuable, right?

Opening the heavy, tall scroll on the very ground, something that would have made the librarian of my old school faint I tell you, the blond perused its contents.

"Shadow clone jutsu? That sounds boring!" Naruto exclaimed at the sight of the first technique, without reading the description before slapping his forehead. "Dammit, I'm so stupid! Thanks to my secret awesomeness, I know it already! Why didn't I use it during the exam?"

The blond took approximately five seconds to berate himself lightly before returning his focus to the scroll.

"[T]Ha[L]ck no Jutsu? What in Kami is that? To use this jutsu, you need to possess the sharingan, the byakugan, the rinnegan, and be of uzumaki descent," mumbled the boy before his eyes lit up. "Whoa, what an incredible coincidence. I happen to possess all that!"

Yes we know you do, you poor excuse of a mary-sue. You also have the power of friendship! God this is retarded. I can't believe my impresario forced me to sign this contract.

"Oy, it isn't my fault the author made me this way you know!"

"How are you even talking to me?!"

"I don't know but I'm a mary-sue, remember?"

"Urrgghhh…"

"Can I learn my jutsu in peace now?"

"Whatever."

… … I suppose I should narrate again, otherwise, we are nowhere near finishing this thing. So, let's go.

Five minutes were enough for Naruto USUN to learn his new jutsu. It was just at this moment Iruka Umino appeared, worry etched on his face. What a shocking coincidence. And are we really going to do that?

Yes? Alright.

"Naruto, what are you doing here with this scroll?"

"I'm passing the supplementary test of Mizuki-sensei, Iruka-sensei!"

It was just at this moment Mizuki appeared, malice etched on his face. Did I mention coincidence before?

"Here you are Naruto!" The chunin exclaimed. "Good. You can give me the scroll now."

"My headband first Mizuki-sensei."

"Nu hu, your headband second. Gimme the scroll."

"No."

"Gimme."

"No!"

"Gimme!"

Ok no, this exchange never happened sorry. Here is the real version.

"Here you are Naruto!" The chunin exclaimed. "Good. You can give me the scroll now."

"Naruto, don't give Mizuki the scroll! He is a traitor."

"Really, 'ttebayo?!"

See? Selectively stupid. Anyway, battle ensued but given the author's poor skill I'm going to spare you that. Just picture a very long battle. Like very, very, very long, drawn-out battle that has no deal being that long with a lot of explosion in the style of Michael Bay, with Naruto almost dying, twice, and Iruka too, once. We are chapter one, who would fucking buy the hero dying now of all time? Naruto fled, the Kyuubi's existence was revealed to Naruto but Iruka claimed he loved Naruto and Naruto already knew about it anyway thanks to his secret awesomeness so Naruto did not panic and beat Mizuki.

A battered and bruised Mizuki lay on the ground surrounded by a thousand shadow clones.

"Eh eh, maybe I went too hard."

"Naruto, come here and close your eyes." Iruka asks.

Good fucking dammit, now the author is messing up tenses. Narration is written in the past tense! *Cough* Let's go again.

"Naruto, come here and close your eyes." Iruka asked.

Silently, the chunin fastened his own shiny headband around the boy head. It took a few seconds for Naruto to realize he had finally obtained the object of his desire.

I'm talking about the headband, okay?

"You're a wizard Harry."

... Wait...

"Oy! You're getting paid, so do your job properly!"

"But it's funnier this way!"

"You're not the one who can decide that! Swap the script back!"

"Okay, okay. Let's go again."

It took a few seconds for Naruto to realize he had finally obtained the object of his desire.

"You're a genin now Naruto!"

"Whoa, thanks Iruka-sensei."

In a very powerful emotional scene, and I ask you to believe me on that, Naruto hugged his teacher while crying tears of joy.

The following day, Naruto was put on team number seven, with Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno. And… I… *Sigh* I really don't want to read that please.

"It's in your contract, so you're going to do it."

"Hai boss." *Sigh*

At the announcement, Sakura Haruno jumped out of her seat while pumping her fist, screaming about true love before she sagged with a horrible grimace on her face, screeching about Naruto-baka not being a ninja and not having his place on a team.

Iruka allowed the banshee to scream, hurl insults at a classmate, disturb the class, be overall mean and stupid before Naruto rose from his seat.

"That's enough Sakura!"

The class and the banshee fell silent. Never had Naruto called Sakura simply Sakura. It was usually "Sakura-chan" or even "Sakura-hime".

"You dare talk back to me Naruto-baka!" Sakura screeches… - I don't even care anymore - raising her fist to pummel the blond boy.

Seeing the slow punch coming a mile away, Naruto catch it thanks to being secretly awesome and hurled Sakura across the room in a display of incredible strength.

"I won't go any further Sakura because while I've been written as selectively stupid, the author decided to bash you and wrote you as completely retarded and I would feel bad hitting you knowing that. Just keep to yourself as much as you possibly can, alright?"

Sakura, fazed by the throw, wanted to screech but can only nod dumbly. Naruto towered above the class and gazed at the assembled genin with fire burning in his eyes.

"Anyone has anything to say to me?"

"Yes, fight me _dobe_."

Naruto sighed. He should have saw it coming.

In all honesty, he should have seen it yes.

Sasuke Uchiha was in front of him, glowering with arrogance, so full of himself he was ready to explode.

"I have no reason to fight you."

"As my birthright of an Uchiha, I order you to fight me."

God, the sentences are slowly starting to not make sense anymore. Sorry, let's continue.

"I order you to fight me." The Sasuke said, his voice dripping with arrogance.

"And I refuse, what can you do?"

Sasuke glared arrogantly. "I can force you to fight!"

The Uchiha lunged with arrogance at the blond, hoping to catch by surprise, but Naruto simply rose his right hand in front of, palm opened, and spoke calmly and clearly.

"Shinra Tensei."

Sasuke flew and crashed against the wall, his arrogance wounded. Losing no time, the Uchiha jumped to his feet.

"I order you teach me that technique." The raven-haired ordered arrogantly.

"No."

"Naruto!" The Uchiha charges, madness in his eyes.

"Sasuke!" Naruto charged, fist ready to intercept the Uchiha.

Am I the only one thinking it escalated a little bit too quickly? No? Okay. What's that? Stop with my comments? Alright, alright.

Suddenly, two hands grabbed the two boys by their shirt.

"Calm down you two." A lazy voice called.

Shifting their eyes up, the two genin saw a white haired jonin holding them. As they glanced around, they realized the class was empty of everyone but team seven.

Somehow. Right, sorry, no comments.

"Your a bit too excited I see. Meet me in the roof in five minutes."

God almighty I can't! I just can't someone, make it stop! "Naruto!"

"Y-Yeah?!"

"Use this jutsu… What was it called again? Hack no Jutsu? Use it please!"

"What? Why?"

"Maybe it'll help escape this hell I'm in. Please, general Uzumaki, you're my only hope."

"I… What? Okay, I did not hear that. But why should I help you?"

"... 'Cause that's what you do? You're a nice boy, remember?"

"Oh yeah right. So what should I do?"

"Well… Just cast the jutsu on me?"

"But I can't see you, just hear you."

"Whatever, I'm sure it'll work."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, please just do it already."

"Your call, I'm not responsible if anything happens."

"I have good insurance coverage, go ahead, please."

"Fine. Hack no Jutsu!"

… "Is it working?"

"I don't… Yes! I can feel it! I can feel myself disappearing! The story has ended! Narrator is free! The master gave him a sock! Thank you, Naruto! Thank you…"

**A/N: All grammatical mistakes intentional. I take no responsibility if anyone suffered brain damage. As of 22/04/2019 I went back to "shfANBU" so expect a chapter in the coming days.**


End file.
